


one thousand five hundred ninety five days

by dizzy



Series: we're all dying anyway 2019 daily fic advent [12]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, introspection about canonical age differences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:34:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21815236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: Prompt:Phan - Phil at the beginning of their flirtation wondering if it's ok to have a relationship with a fan who is several years younger (and also hot 😉)
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: we're all dying anyway 2019 daily fic advent [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1559167
Comments: 15
Kudos: 228





	one thousand five hundred ninety five days

The first thing Phil does when he wakes up is reach for his phone. With bleary, unfocused eyes and drool caked in the corner of his mouth he presses the screen on and and then turns to bury his face back into his pillow. 

His stomach is doing that familiar swoop because he has a text from Dan. 

He wakes up to them most days now. Dan's working at ASDA and he's got to be up way before Phil does, so he's taken to texting Phil to talk random shit about how his morning is going or how his brother woke him up too early or what he had for breakfast. 

Phil rolls over onto his back, phone held over his face as he types out a reply. Dan probably won't see it until his shift is over, unless he's sneaky or he looks at his phone when he goes to the toilets. 

Which must be what happens, because half an hour later Phil's sat at breakfast shoveling Crunchy Nut into his gob when his phone goes off. 

"Ahem," his mum says, tutting at him. 

He hunches his shoulders up around his ears and grins down at his phone, pretending to ignore her. 

"Philip," she says, reaching out and tapping her finger. "No screens at the table." 

"Just let me reply to this," he says, quickly tapping it out, then sliding it back down under the table. He rests it on his thigh instead of putting it in his pocket so he'll be able to feel if Dan responds. 

"That important, eh?" Nigel asks, grinning something almost smug. "Let me guess, pretty little bird caught your eye?" 

Phil's stomach clenches in that familiar way that he's somehow not used to yet. 

He almost agrees. It's easier, sometimes. 

But he doesn't. Because it wasn't a girl. "It was Dan," he says. "My new friend, remember I told you?" 

He has told them, because he still loves to tell his parents everything. It's almost like he make up for that one big thing they don't know if he keeps them fully informed on everything else. 

"Uni friend?" Nigel asks. 

"No," Kath says. "The one from Wokingham, right?" 

"Yeah!" Phil smiles enthusiastically. "That's him." 

"You'll have to bring him around some time," Kath says. 

It's not a strange statement for her to make. She meets all his friends, sooner or later. Growing up, Phil's home was a hub of activity for Phil and all his mates. They were constantly darting through the halls, tromping around leaving muddy shoe prints on the floors, raiding the cupboards and eating all the snacks. 

Not much has changed, Phil supposes, because he's only home for the weekend and he did actually track mud in and eat all the snacks... 

But just by himself, this time. 

"Maybe," Phil says. "He's taking a gap year and working loads so I don't know if he'd have time." 

The idea of inviting Dan also makes Phil's stomach explode in nerves but that's a different issue to consider. He does know Dan fancies him, at least a bit, but it's only just a new thing and Dan has a girlfriend, anyway. 

At least, Dan thinks he does, though he says he hasn't talked to her in a couple weeks, and he isn't sure if maybe she's done with him and just forgot to let him know. 

(Phil didn't say it, but it sounds more like Dan's done with her. Dan was sort of sad about it though, so Phil just tried to be sympathetic and sent Dan a picture of a really strange looking goose on campus.) 

"Gap year?" Nigel asks, tuning back in to the conversation. "How old is he?" 

"Um, eighteen," Phil says. "Just turned." 

He immediately wishes he hadn't added the last part. 

"Bit young, don't you suppose? Hasn't he got mates his own age?" 

Phil frowns. "We met on the internet, dad. No one knows anyone's age there, that’s what's so ace about it. You just get to know people for who they are and make friends with them." 

"Does he make videos too?" Kath asks. 

"No," Phil says. "He wants to, though." 

"See?" Kath says to Nigel. "Phil's just mentoring a young lad." 

"I see," Nigel says, then shrugs and goes back to his paper. Phil knows he doesn't care all that much, his parents are just a bit old fashioned and once in a while get weirded out by how many friends Phil's met on the internet. They were convinced he'd be kidnapped when he went to New York the year before to meet people, and the only problem Phil ended up having there was getting lost every time he turned around. 

They weren't all Phil's age, either. Some were younger and some were older... so Dan's no different than any of those people. 

*

Except, Dan is different. 

The feeling of it creeps back up on Phil later that night as he and Dan are chatting on MSN. Sometimes text messages are just too slow so they'll go back and forth from texting to typing at each other, sending silly links and random things. 

It's hardly even a conversation right now. It's just like they keep wanting to say the oddest stuff to each other every few minutes so they don't have to say goodbye or goodnight. 

It's not what Phil does with all of his friends. 

It's what Phil did with Charlie. It's what he's done with the small handful of guys he's been interested in before, or ones that seemed into him that he thought he might be able to fancy back. 

None of those times before ever turned into all that much. 

It may not turn into all that much with Dan, either. 

But if it does, Phil thinks... 

If it does, he might have an eighteen year old boyfriend, and would that be so awful? He's only twenty two. 

Charlie was younger than Dan, he reminds himself. But Charlie never really felt younger. In fact, Charlie seemed older than Phil most of the time, with more experience and even a vocabulary more mature than Phil's own most of the time. Charlie seemed to know what was going on in the world and in the end Phil wasn't figuring things out quickly enough. 

He shoves the sadness of that away. He hadn't even been sure if he really wanted to date Charlie, so it's best that it worked out how it did, he tells himself. 

He doesn't like the taste of regret in his mouth. He looks at his computer and realizes he's missed four messages from Dan. The third one makes him smile, just a long series of all caps wanting to know where Phil went. 

Four and a half years, Phil thinks. He was starting school while Dan was still in nappies. He was turning double digits when Dan was just barely into school himself. He was starting uni when Dan was finishing secondary school. He'll be done with uni before Dan even starts it, since Dan's doing a gap year. 

But when he talks to Dan, he doesn't feel any great difference. Dan's had more jobs than Phil has. Dan's had a girlfriend for two years and Phil's never even dated anyone more than a couple weeks before it fizzled out. Dan's got sharp humor and sharp wit and he says things so deep that Phil just has to stop and think them over and even then just hope he actually understands. Dan's mind is so vast and deep and Phil's just a teeny tiny bit obsessed with it. 

He starts to type back to Dan and he’s not really sure why he says what he does. He just wants to get some kind of reaction because now he feels strange and small in a way he hates. 

_thinkin bout how my dad asked me earlier if i met a cute bird because i was smiling at my phone and texting_

He doesn’t at all expect his phone to ring beside him. He jumps, laptop sliding off his lap. He catches it just before it hits the floor. 

“Dan?” He asks. 

“Yeah, I just, um.” There’s a pause that feels like a verbal fumble. “Had to tidy my room or mum will go ballistic so I figured phone would be easier.” 

“Oh,” Phil says. “Sure.” 

Dan hasn’t rung him that many times. Once when they first exchanged numbers, and once just the day before. Maybe talking on the phone is going to be a new thing they do. 

“So you were saying, about your dad…” 

“Yeah.” Phil laughs sheepishly. “Thought I was texting some girl I fancied.” 

“So he doesn’t know you’re…” 

“Nah,” Phil says, feigning a casual attitude about it. “I haven’t told my parents yet.” 

He hopes it doesn’t come across as exactly how it is, like he’s a ball of terror that his parents will hate him once they know. Even though he knows they won’t, he doesn’t know they won’t, and he’s still just - scared. 

He’s scared of so many things. Is this all being an adult is? Having to worry about finding a job, and being scared of things? He’d like to stay in school forever, please. 

“So were you?” Dan asks. 

“Texting a girl I fancied?” Phil snorts. “Not likely.” 

“Not a girl,” Dan says. “Just like… anyone. You fancied.” 

He realizes Dan sounds not too happy. 

“Maybe,” Phil says, very cautiously. “He was fit, at least.” 

He’s told Dan that he thinks Dan is fit before. He’s said it about pictures Dan’s put up on Dailybooth, when Dan asked what he thought. Dan’s shameless like that, and Phil appreciates it, because it gives Phil an excuse to say things he might not otherwise. 

See? Dan’s younger but he’s definitely the brave one. 

“Oh.” 

Though right now… he sounds a bit _crushed._

And yeah, Dan has a girlfriend, and Phil won’t say too much more, but he can’t go on letting Dan sound that sad. 

“You might know him,” Phil says. “Lives in Wokingham. Really lovely brown eyes. Works at ASDA…” 

There’s silence and then Dan laughs a bit. “You idiot.” 

“Yeah,” Phil agrees. 

He can’t decide if his mum and dad’s weirdness over four measly years is something he should care about, or if he should just put it out of his head and not get caught up in stupid details like this. He thinks about how he was spending his days six months ago - who he was talking to. He thinks about all the things he let himself spiral around in his head that ruined a might-have-been. 

In six more months Dan could be just another person that he spent a few months talking to every day, a maybe-something that lives on only in his memory. 

But he really bloody hopes not.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to sarah, the best of all beta readers, for being patient with me dramatically flailing about how i don't know how to end a fic and helping me shape it into something i'm proud of <3


End file.
